Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
