life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
