I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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