between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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