My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
