my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
