He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
