dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
