She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
