i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
