I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
