Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
