i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
