they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
