guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
