Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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