woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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