The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
