Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
