you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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