Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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