My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
