my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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