shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
