He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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