there's paper in my vomit.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
