He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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