my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Please don't give away my fajitas
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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