My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
