I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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