I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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