He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
