trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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