Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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