Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
