Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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