Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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