Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
