Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
