I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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