Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
