I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize