I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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