"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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