somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
