That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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