it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
