Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently you make a good broom.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
