I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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