Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
