Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
