tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
this is an emotional support booty call
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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