bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
