I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have already put on my inside pants.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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