Got a toothbrush?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
