I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
